Tomáš Míka

 

 

(Czech Republic)

 

 

 

The universe is full of stones you don’t know

Yet you use them to build your dwellings

Hoping they will take off with you one day

Said Our Lady and continued:

 

Refrain from alcohol and coffee

Drink water with apple cider vinegar before each meal and

every morning before breakfast, two cups of lukewarm water with lemon

But first do the Five Tibetan Rites and even add the Sixth Rite

When nobody watches, you stand on your head and avoid

All kinds of carbohydrates to be ketogenic and eugenic

 

Chew each mouthful for ten minutes

Remember that your ancestor was a hunter-gatherer

Let animals live

Train your sphincter

Incontinence does not wait

Jog, swim, ride a bike and

Suppress your squirt

And if you are a woman

But you are not

Make sure to

Suppress your scream

Only then will you attain perfect health and thus happiness

And live many years

In this valley of shadows through which

Red tears of laughter and yellow tears of sorrow flow against each other

 

Cry often

Over the funniness of rapidly decaying human beings

And lament the tragedy of their doggies

Cry over Finnegan the Impossible

His brother Ulysses the Incomprehensible

And, in the meantime, listen to Einstein on the Beach

Tears are healthy, see,

And what is healthy, eat!

It strengthens you

What strengthens you

Strengthens your parents and children

And your children’s children and the entire human race

 

Bees stung humankind’s soles earlier than cattle

Honey probiotics will thus do you better than yoghurt

 

How true is the saying:

« You’re a wasp

You bring no honey

And in your abdomen

There’s poison »

 

Be fit and the green green grass of home – don’t smoke that shit!

Where would Inter play with Juventus if such as you

smoked grass beneath their feet?

Scrapes sustained on cinders are often fatal!

But don’t refuse seeds baked in wholewheat cakes sweetened by royal jelly

Miracles happen, you’ll see

That rheumatism of yours, those varicose veins you suffer from,

those never-ending eczemas and athlete’s foot, all that will disappear

As if licked off by the antibiotic tongue of some dog

As if exorcised by a single swipe of a stinging nettle

plucked in the first days of Spring

Remember to strengthen your memory by Ginkgo biloba!

So often people tend to forget to use it and oblivion then

spreads over your whole world

Over all your past you enjoy so much to rummage through

and to which you cling so hard

So do not ever forget to take Bilbo Giloga!

 

A flying bird gathers no moss

Smear evening primrose ointment slyly all over your body

and you will fare well on the Earth

Massage your joints using hemp oil with added seaweed

So one day you can enter the gallery of the Chosen Ones

Who have tasted interstellar space

If you regularly grease your body with Marigold balm and drop

tea tree oil into your nostrils every morning

Even you will put your foot on the Moon one day

And what does the unknown astronaut have to say?

« All engines running. Lift-off! »

 

Think of your task:

Move humankind away from these imperfect bodies, here and there improved with a platinum joint, stainless steel screw, sillycloned breast or gold tooth

The bodies prophesied in sacred episodes of Star Wars and

Egon Bondy’s doctoral thesis.

 

Never say « I could not resist, » if you order a grilled pork knuckle, three mugs of Pilsner beer, five scones with clotted cream and two shots of vodka

You kid yourself but Our Lady won’t be fooled.

 

We are irreparable machines

Maintain a siesta before lunch and after or else insatiable fatty acids will devour you

 

When you’re all made of platinum and gold

When microconductors run through your body in the distant future

When you think solely in binary terms

Your weight will be constant

However, for the time being

For now

Keep weighing yourself

 

Whose bread with chia seeds you eat, his song you sing.

 

Don’t look with contempt for dentures in her mouth

She also ignores your enlarged prostate

You have not always been so young

Remember how many wrinkles, bags under your eyes and age spots

your today’s youth cost you

How many hairs turned grey in panic and fled from your skull

Before you became a twenty-year old lad!

 

Trim your overgrown eyebrows

Since it is loathsome in Our Lady’s eyes

 

You gather,

Our Lady throws out

Things

That’s the stone of stumbling no-one can laparoscopically remove from your body

 

Are you fascinated by the precision with which the wind suddenly rises at noon

Which closes windows and bangs doors?

Do you marvel at the fact that hot water flows from the cold-water tap?

Be sure that there are many more mysteries than these and that you will

understand not one

Thus, marvel over everything

Over the flattened sun above the sea horizon

And do not try to understand the signalling of clouds

Be purposefully dumb and trust blindly

Our Lady will love you

 

Do not take away pebbles and shells from the beach

They lose their colour and shine when dry

And when back in your block of flats, you won’t give them a single glance

Think, therefore exist!

What’s that junk for?

You’d rather draw your belly in and push it out again

 

Old faeces vacate space for younger ones

It’s the opposite of how it should work in trams

 

Clusters of villages at the foot of the mountains

Horizontal rows of stars where roads lead

Metaphors fallen from the night sky are lying on the ground

It’s enough to lift them

And throw into a sorted waste container

 

At higher speeds, Newton’s laws no longer apply

And Einstein, Zweistein and Dreistein start,

Laws of the aircraft falling apply just to you

Others will do with road crash statistics

If you get into the metal tube yourself

It will fall with you inside even before take-off

 

If your washing machine sounds like a concrete mixer, it is quite likely that

you will wear concrete or mortar clothes pretty soon.

Then you can safely practice yoga in the tomb of your ancestors.

 

Open all windows in the house at night

 

A brush is not enough, said Our Lady, get yourself a tongue scraper and

You will have honour with the elders.

 

Do not think only about what goes in. What comes out is also important.

As the Sun rises above the mountains from the turnstile of morning and night

Let all the undigested good leave your system at the break of day

Indigestible good

« Never let the Sun sit on your toilet, » says the Polish proverb.

Get through the great joy at the gates of dawn and you will lightly and cheerfully

jump around the planet all day long watering it with tears of laughter and grief between which you are not able to distinguish

 

Haven’t you learned to flatter those in power? Why? Don’t you have any talent for

studying? Are you a dyslexic or dysgraphic? That’s the only excuse in Our Lady’s eyes

 

When lightning thrusts into the room, do you close the shutters?

Or perhaps you’ve heard that a loving couple attracts lightning

more than a lightning rod?

You feel like a little bit of whole grain love from the farmers’ market?

Naturally fermented, unfiltered love?

Do you want to scrape the scales from a mermaid’s tail?

Spill peas on the doorstep?

Crack a nut?

A car is a Faraday cage!

 

Climb up to where

On the top less grows

Pick the pale flowers

Dry in the shade of your palms

And during long

Evenings drink tea

 

When scorchers end, flies appear

When flies’ wings become weaker, frosts occur

When you cannot step out of the house for cold, harmful sweets arrive

With candies, obesity comes and with spare tyres, what comes, hand in hand, is

Cardiovascular disease

Beware seasonal fluctuations!

Perform regularly massage of the pelvic floor

And Your Lady will brighten her face

 

When Yin noisily copulates with Yang, ozone is produced

It positively affects intestinal peristalsis

Sets villi in motion and pushes everything to the sigmoid colon

 

Hold on to light and the human pack.

Look at Esther and Ruth – they are as big as barrels

Look at Jonah – the whale would have problems swallowing him

See what happened to Isaiah – he is indistinguishable from a woman

His chest could breastfeed koala bears

Had they not been obscured by his dirty beard

Full of vermin of the desert

 

First they’ll cut your scrupulously cared-for thyroid gland

Then your plane will fall into the ocean

You’ll get cancer

And finally you’ll kick the bucket due to the heavy weight of your years of youth

 

Silicone can enlarge many things

But be careful when it comes to your brain

You’d rather have them enlarge your ears and listen

To Our Lady’s good counsel

 

If it is dry and does not weep,

Thank Your Lady and the Sun

Which gives your skin vitamin D

 

It is to your great merit in the sight of all mankind

If you slim down and get rid of excess kilos

Also Our Lady will view your lovely figure

With affection

You’ll get the State Award for your excellent, well-developed back muscles!

You will receive the Golden Lion for your six-pack!

Your kayak will be conferred a knighthood!

 

And when you’re all slim and petite

When your hair starts to grow again and your wrinkles are smoothed

When you look twenty years younger

Someone will come to reap with a grim and rusty scythe

To communicate to you their opinion of all that wellness of yours

You’ll be told their view of vitamins and antioxidants

With a single slash the elasticity of your arteries and veins will be praised

There will be much astonishment at your excellent memory and

one more slash will come

You’ll have time to recall your first memories

Back in the crib in the home of your early childhood

And when the third slash comes

You will find yourself right in the most luxurious spa

In the best wellness facility

The non-plus-ultra gym

Here you will really feel

Welly welly well!

 

Do not invite anyone

Do not console anyone

Greet them when they come

And quietly hug

 

Reek of garlic!

You zero

Eat a clove three times a day

Finish it off with onion

Brush your teeth with bio-dung

And Your Lady will be overjoyed

When you try to rouse her with the kiss of life

Her limbs will spontaneously spread to embrace you

Especially if you subsequently consume licorice, cinnamon,

lemon, shii-take, seaweed

Take an ice water shower in order to increase immunity, breakfast on

Poppy, pumpkin and sesame seeds, a tuft of wild fennel

And wash it down with a solution containing a grapefruit seed extract

Then you will see a devastating smile on Our Lady’s face

And will rest for a split second in her velvety madness

 

Don’t deprive your body of prunes and tantric exercises!

 

Pour sugar and white flour on an anthill

Put milk into a bowl at the door

For poets, kids and cats

 

Are you not satisfied with the appearance of your sputum?

Pretend a bird did it!

 

You do not like the gentleman in the mirror?
Pretend it’s your father!

The greatest invention since the invention of the wheel and gunpowder is a bidet.

Why do you find enjoyment in carrying around remnants of your faeces

between your rear folds?

Wash your butt after the great joy and a host of heavenly ladies

will enthusiastically kiss it!

 

Eat jelly to cure your rickety meniscus

Crunch also chicken joints and you won’t be writhing in pain and

falling to the pavement when getting out of the tram

Drink sencha after yoghurt

Sunbathe your tumours on the balcony

Meditate and your brain will stop producing this blather

Do copulatory movements well and you’ll be rewarded by hell

Air is not a woman

Nothing is perfect

Nothing is finished

Your Lady remembers nothing and loses her house keys.

 

If you want to commit suicide in the sea

Do not choose Sunday afternoon swimming with mother to do that

 

On principle, do not use soap or shampoo and particularly avoid your feet

 

Put worn clothes in the designated place

Our Lady hates it when they are hung around the flat and it is unclear

whether they are clean or if they need to be washed and ironed

 

Do you know the true and memorable verses of the great poet of antiquity:

 

« But the daughter cannot rest;

To the lake, as if possessed,

Something drives her…

But only while she’s jung –

 

She gave birth to a child

She’s no longer wild

There’s nothing that stirs her

As if pursued –

Swimming no longer suits her mood. »

 

Therefore, copulate with the air while letting out of your lungs uproarious laughter!

For health in the evening, for beauty in the morning.

You’ll prolong your life by three weeks and gain the favour of Your Lady together with final indulgences for the terrible mess in your room if you shave your chest, groin, armpits and the hairs on your legs and arms

Did I forget something?

If so, you can shave that too and Our Lady will bless you with her rubber glove

 

Ayurveda forbids you to make fire by rubbing hot peppers against each other

But I say onto you: By rubbing cauliflowers, you’ll achieve even lesser results

Stay out of Your Lady’s recipes and she’ll cook you her heavenly lap

 

Body culture is not wellness

Beware of anything that stinks of culture and sweat

Think of rot and throw out marmalade from your menu!

 

Wet your finger and lift it to the skies

Take note of where lichens grow on trees

Lick Polaris from the night sky

Cherish azimuth in your head

Squint one eye and stretch out your arm with a thumb up

And you’ll always know your place in the world

You’ll never stray from the good Path

 

Beware of stress

Dispose of your nails and hair by cremation

Be worth shit!

Machines to machines, rust to rust

 

Gargle and spit out mucus

The seat of all diseases

Flush your nose with salty water

Laugh insolently between each nostril cleansed –

Prolong ad absurdum your wasted life

Watch Solaris

Concentrate on your solar plexus

Go to the solarium after lunch

Drink a concoction from African leaves

Pray to Your Lady and go to bed

Do not work out to be stronger while sleeping

Be weaker and weaker

 

Goodbye ill health!

Welcome wellness!

 

Be well!

 

 

translated by Tomáš Míka and James Hopkin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tomáš Míka was born in 1959 in Prague, Czech Republic. His original work includes books of poetry « Nucený výsek » (Destruction of Animals), 2003 and « Deník rychlého člověka » (Journal of a Fast Man), 2007 and “Textové zprávy” (Text Messages), 2016. His book of short stories “Und” was published in 2005.

He works as a translator from English, among the authors whose works he translated are Samuel Beckett (Watt), John Bunyan (The Pilgrim’s Progress), James Hogg (Confessions of the Justified Sinner), Jack Black (You Can’t Win).

 

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